Well, today I sat through one of the top ten worst Sacrament meetings I’ve ever been to. Who were the speakers, you ask, to make this Ward Conference so terrible? I’m not really sure. I never got a chance to listen to any of them because I was too busy trying to corral my 3 boys, with Karli sitting up on the stand with the Stake Young Womens presidency.
First thing I notice, when we sit down, is that Walker must have dressed himself this morning, because he is not wearing any underwear. I notice this, because he also, obviously, did up his own belt and missed the loops in the back, so when he bends over, the whole congregation can see half way to the moon. So, I got him fixed up, while wrestling with Luke, who has been sick all week and was really not excited about being there.
All during the Sacrament and the first talk (I vaguely remember someone up there with dark hair, probably one of the Stake Presidency), I was pulling out every trick I could think of to keep Luke quiet: books, sock monkey, juice box, bottle, keys, watch, hide and go seek with his blanket, knee bouncing, etc. All to no avail. I didn’t want to take the whole bunch out because the other two boys were supposed to sing with the rest of the Primary later on. But then, Walker pipes up and says he’s going to pee his pants, so I decide to pack everything up and spend the rest of the meeting out in the foyer.
We get to the bathroom OK, where Porter and Walker start having a sword fight at the toilet (anyone with boys like mine should know what I’m talking about). Then Walker decides he has to go number 2, so the rest of us wait patiently for him to finish, but then he can’t get the toilet paper off the roll, so he calls for help. He, of course, has locked the door to the stall, but he tells me I can just crawl under. Thanks. Luckily, I manage to jimmy the lock with my pocket knife and get in to help him wipe up. Meanwhile, despite my repeated attempts to keep him there, Porter has ducked out the door by himself.
When we washed up and got out of the bathroom, Porter was nowhere to be found. So, we headed back for the chapel, where the kids from the primary were just sitting down from their musical number. We missed it, but there was Porter, sitting in our seats (so much for sitting in the foyer). We joined him and I resumed trying to keep Luke quiet, which, to my credit, only resulted in his outright screaming two or three times. Finally, the nightmare meeting came to a close and I sent the two older boys off to primary while I tried to clean up the mess.
When Karli came down off the stand to revel in how much I must be appreciating her at this point, she informed me that I had missed the only part of the meeting that would have kept it from being a complete, personal disaster. Apparently, when Porter ditched us in the bathroom, he b-lined it for the chapel doors, and seeing that his primary class was up on the stand singing, he sprinted up the aisle to join them. Just as the last strains of the piano were dying down and the teary-eyed congregation was enjoying the serene spirit of the children’s song, Porter yells out ‘I had to go pee!’ as he bounds up the stairs to join his class. His best friend, Bridger, turns to him and says, ‘you missed the whole thing!’ whereupon, Porter’s face falls in disappointment and he trudges back to his seat.
I guess you could say it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. But, my Mom says some days are like that, even in Australia.
